I think life works like this: you spend a long time wanting something; you spend a long time coming up with the perfect scenarios, the perfect people, the perfect things you’re going to say. And when the perfect scenarios go totally off track, and when the perfect people turn out to be huge disappointments, and when you find that you’re always too drunk to remember the right things to say, you think - one day my life will work out exactly the way I want it to.
For as long as I can remember, there have been two things that I’ve spent my whole life searching for. The first, is to find people who will want to love me in the same terrifying, ferocious mind-numbing way that I want to love them. The second is to feel alive - so alive, that if my heart stopped beating it wouldn’t matter. Needless to say I haven’t been very successful at either, and every single time my heart breaks I think - one day my life will work out exactly the way I want it to.
The other day -and it was almost by chance really- but I was mooching through my facebook inbox when, lo and behold, there you were. I couldn’t believe my eyes - you’d found me. I must’ve read your message through at least, I don’t know, 5 or 6 times. I couldn’t believe it. Here I was in Singapore, thinking that this time last week, I kissed you goodbye at the corner of Leicester Square and never thought I’d see you again. This time last week, I watched the sun rise across Chelsea Embankment and silently hated how cruel life had been to send a person like you my way, then take them away quite abruptly. But there you were, and you wanted to see me again when I was back in London, and all I could think was, my god!, I’ve managed to do it right for once.
Tomorrow evening I’m going to a beach party to get hammered, happy, sweaty, sandy and watch Avicii spin.. Bring out the apple sours! In 3 days, I’m flying to Melbourne for the highly-anticipated and long-awaited reunion with the craziest bumblebee in the entire universe, and even though it’s going to make us pee in our pants, WE’RE GOING TO GO SKY DIVING!! In 16 days, and I still can’t really believe I’m going to be doing this, but in 16 days I’m going to fly to Vietnam for 4 weeks to live life à la backpacker and volunteer with a children’s charity in Ho Chi Minh. Madness!
I think life works like this: the moment you stop waiting for something to happen, something happens. It’s ridiculous, it’s so unfair. But the moment you stop wishing your life was a little more exciting, opportunities you never expected get thrust your way. The moment you stop searching for love in every stranger who passes you on the street, a handful of pretty cool guys suddenly, randomly, “just so happen” to wander in your direction. It’s early days, of course, but for the first time in such a very, very long time, the bleak future is looking awfully bright. Till then X